Aries: March 21-April 19 - You’ve had a lot of trouble with erectile disfunction, and this month is no different for you. Boners have never been so elusive, but this is the month that you take action. Tell your doctor about your problem. He’ll help you achieve the boners of your dreams.
Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Your money problems are over, thanks to the generosity of a stranger. This stranger may ask for a favor in return, but it’s not that bad. Imagine you are eating a banana, or a popsicle. Just don’t bite down! LOL!
Gemini: May 21-June 21 - You’ve felt pretty hopeless for a while, but drinking makes you feel better. Continue to drink until your life improves.
Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You’ve been a virgin for your whole life, but that is finally about to change. Make sure you shave what needs shaving, trim what needs trimmed, and wash what needs to be washed. Make sure that you enjoy it, also. It’s the last sex you’ll ever have!
Leo: July 23-August 22 - Life sucks. Give up.
Virgo: August 23-September 22 - You’ve been trying to connect with someone for a long time. This is the month it finally happens. Only it won’t be the way you want it. A surprise encounter with an animal will leave you feeling strangely aroused. Don’t act on your urges.
Libra: September 23-October 22 - Your significant other is cheating. Sorry, dude/dudette.
Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - You might fall in love with an inanimate object this month. It will feel strange, but somehow familiar. Several of your closest friends are assholes, but you still don’t realize it.
Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - An opportunity will present itself at work. Unfortunately, you’ll have to screw over a close friend to take advantage of it. Make sure you do everything you can to make it seem like it isn’t your fault. It is, though. You’re a dick.
Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Mercury and Venus are two planets that are always closer to the sun than Earth is. Try not to forget that.
Pisces: February 19-March 20 - This is the month you finally get those breast implants. Congrats on those. They look great.
January 5th, 2008 at 2:35 pm
I am a Capricorn and you and I both write for this website, DBartho. So technically, we do sort of work together. Maybe you’re the guy I’m gonna screw over to get ahead at work. Whatever happens, it’s not my fault.
January 5th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
Whew. That was close. Thanks Jarsh.
January 5th, 2008 at 5:20 pm
Following this got me arrested. You flyer folks owe me my bail money.
January 5th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
jawikst: I’m assuming you’re a Sagittarius and that you took your pants off? The horoscope said nothing about taking them off in public. What kind of a website do you think this is? Weirdo.
January 5th, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Sorry if I use the public library for my internet usage. Not all of us can afford fancy computers and bathtubs. Despite the unfortunate incident, I still felt this horoscope was a window into my soul.
January 5th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
jawikst, your bail money is on the way. Also on they way are a few copies of some interesting photos I procured from the library security camera. Don’t think I won’t post them, ’cause I will. Just try me.
January 6th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Take it up with the stars, jawikst. That’s where my info comes from.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:27 am
Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Mars and Venus are two planets that are always closer to the sun than Earth is. Try not to forget that.<<
Better check your orbits meanwhile what friggin turnip truck did you fall off?
January 11th, 2008 at 11:33 am
Take it up with the stars, Lwood. That’s where my information comes from.
And it’s tater tot truck. I fell off a tater tot truck.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:43 am
Update: Apparently the stars changed their mind, and fixed their mistake. Stupid stars.
January 13th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
I been drinking hard sinch your Jan 5th posht.
It’sh snot working.
What nexsht?
Gemini