Aries: March 21-April 19 - Try wearing a different hat. That one looks weird on your head.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Take a long bubble bath. Or a shower. Or, try wearing some deodorant.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - Stop drinking so much. Your friends / family are worried about you. If you don’t have family or friends, disregard this message.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You have an erection!

Leo: July 23-August 22 -Can I borrow your sweater?

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Your money problems are over, thanks to the Bush economic stimulus plan! Psyche, you’re fucked.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - You’ve been waiting for something exciting to come into your life, but it just isn’t happening. Try shoplifting, just don’t get caught! LOL!

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - You’ve been working on your confidence, and this month you’ll finally have the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for. Nice work! (Loser)

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - Sorry to hear about your cat. And sorry you got that STD.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Sex really isn’t your thing. Sorry to be the one to tell you. You suck, dude/chick. Sorry.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - This is your month! Do whatever you want this month. It’s gonna rule.