Greetings to all. It’s the middle of February which means my electronic mailbox has been filling up questions about Valentines Day. Since I don’t have time to tackle all of them, I picked out a few to address that should help the majority of those romantic fools out there. Not to be a downer, but this might be the last time you here from me. Utilize and cherish this little advice column because I have a job interview with the local newspaper next week concerning my strip. Finally it appears that someone can appreciate my genius. But until then, back to the subject at hand, solid romantic advice.

-Dern Lanningham-

Hey Dern, I have been racking my skull for weeks now on how to spice up this V-Day, but keep coming up blank. I guess we could go hang-gliding again, but she would see that coming from a mile away. Help teach this old dog some new tricks.
-Boring Mike-

Hey Mike, don’t worry. You’re not the only one without an imagination out there. There are plenty of regular nobodies who are having the same problem. Lucky for you, you got Dern in your corner. Try a couple of these hott ideas out this Valentine’s Day…

Ham ‘n’ Cheese eating contest at Arby’s- Like you need an excuse to go to Arby’s. This is kind of a no-brainer, but I am starting out easy here. Just make sure to let her win. You could put a sexy twist on this one if you get a baker’s dozen of sandwiches to-go and eat them at home topless.

Imagination Orgy- This is for the open-minded couple that is in need of some real spice. Get with your partner, dim the lights, close your eyes, and imagine a wild orgy with you guys in the middle. Imagination orgies are great because there’s no fear of the herps, and you can invite anyone you like. Even weirdos.

Paint some frisbees- You know those old frisbees you got laying around? That’s right. Get some paint and paint those things. This one is great because the possibilities are endless. You can get super silly and paint some dancing robot, or you can get super serious and sexy and paint your deepest and darkest super-fantasy-sexy scenes and then show your partner. It’s up to you and what you feel. Either way, you’re talking, you’re laughing, you’re having a great time!!

What’s new Dern? Big problem here. I recently cheated on my boyfriend and contracted a STD. I have been able to hold off “in the bedroom” in fear of him finding out, but he is getting restless and with Valentine’s Day coming up, my time is running out. Help!! -Silly Sally-

Looks like you got a not-so-silly situation on your hands Sally. Short term, to get out of V-Day you are going to have to lie. Call him on your way to his place and tell him that your car broke down, then it fell into a river. Long term, consider getting a life-size doll bottom-half to wear when he wants to get intimate. You’ll have to be sneaky, but I think you could pull it off. The last thing you want to do is divulge your dirty secret, to anyone, ever.

Disclaimer- Dern Lanningham is an out of work comic strip drawer. He is in no way an expert on relationships, although one time he watched a marathon of The Newlywed Game when he was sick.