Aries: March 21-April 19 - Happy birthday, weirdo.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Your boss wants to sex you. Gross.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - Check this out. Sorry, sorry. Just kidding. Try this.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You want to sex your boss. Gross.

Leo: July 23-August 22 -STFU!

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Try working out more. Or, just, any kind of exercise in general. Cardio, maybe? Eating less couldn’t hurt, either. Sorry, dude.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - I know they’re your favorite band, but BDS sucks! Yeow!

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - Planets are orbiting the sun this month, and the earth is no exception, because it is also a planet.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - You know what? This is your month. Seriously. This month is gonna rule for you. I mean, things are looking up! Finally. APRIL FOOLS! Life sucks!

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - I ate your sandwich. Fuck you, buddy.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Congratulations on finally finding the person of your dreams. I know that you two are going to be great together. Oh- that’s not you? Sorry. Nevermind.