Okay, so you are probably wondering why you haven’t seen my comic in the local paper. It’s because I didn’t get the job. Whatever. Here is another column, it’s centered around getting screwed over.

-Dern Lanningham

My boyfriend and I just broke up a couple of days ago. Now we are trying to divide our belongings up between the two of us, and he claims that he has the right to keep the couch even though we both paid for it. He says that since he makes less money than I do that he should be able to keep the couch because I will be able to forward one more easily. This doesn’t seem fair considering the fact that I paid more for the couch than he did. What do you think, Dern? -Couchless Carrie, Brunswick, ME-

Blah Blah Blah. If all you have to worry about in your life is a couch then you are a jerk. Some people out there have real problems, like those who have to once again face rejection because some no-talent hack of a newspaper editor can’t recognize true artistic genious. Anyway, back to your PRECIOUS couch, hit your ex-boyfriend with a brick in his face/neck, then move the couch while he bleeds.

Dern, I just got dumped by my fiance who I found out has been cheating on me for the past six months. Since getting dumped, I haven’t been able to concentrate at work and have been asked to take a week off to get my head together. In additon, my ex-fiance and his new lover have become regulars at all of our old hangouts, which makes me very uncomfortable and has kept me from going out. I am just at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin. Help. - Lost Leslie, Chicago IL-

Start drinking, and don’t stop. Works everytime.

Disclaimer: Dern Lanningham is an out of work comic strip drawer. He is in no way an expert on relationships, but does believe that dogs go to heaven, and if they don’t, then they fucking should.