Aries: March 21-April 19 - There are plenty of jobs out there. Quit yours. It sucks.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Bet on the Celtics. How much money do you have? Bet all of it on the Celtics.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - What is the point of ice skating, really?

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - This month, a stranger will ask you for money. Don’t give it to them. You don’t even know them.

Leo: July 23-August 22 Sometimes, dolphins get horny too. It’s no big deal. Who cares?

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - If you like that show the Bachelor, there is no amount of advice that can help you.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - Sorry you got that pimple on your butt. Doesn’t it hurt? Ouch.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - That blue shirt makes you look like a lard ass.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - DO NOT, for any reason, no matter what happens, no matter how much you’ve had to drink, under any circumstances, sing karaoke, ever.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - You know what?

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Not everything is worth the asking price. Yet there are certain things in life one would prefer not to live without. You’ll find such items at a fair cost. Psyche. Boners.