Aries: March 21-April 19 - Smoke weed. It’s awesome.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - I had a great time last night. I’ll call you. I promise.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - If you aren’t eating, or talking, keep your mouth closed. Sitting there with your mouth open makes you look real dumb.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - The stars can’t do anything to help you with those pants.

Leo: July 23-August 22 - Fill up the gas tank on your car. You might need to take out a loan. Crap. You can’t do that either.

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Remember that song “the Thong Song?” There’s a lot of truth in that song.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - This month, take advantage of your own psychic powers, which will last for 9 minutes on the 28th. Just not sure which 9 minutes, and neither will you. Sorry.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - There really is no excuse for bongo drums. Seriously.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Summer is a time for romance. Especially if you are a Sagittarius. Get laid.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - Uh oh. I think your sex tape is gonna leak this month. That sucks.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Bad day? Dance it off, man. Dance it off.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Congrats on winning $1000. Don’t spend it on drugs.