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Top 5 ’80s Movies: Teen Sex Comedies

There’s no better way to celebrate your nostalgia for the ’80s than re-watching the classics and the not-so-classic films from that era. These were simpler times when the importance of “scoring” was enough of a plot for an entire movie, and the only people who knew how to operate computers were “nerds.” This was before nerds actually ruled the world as they do now, so being a nerd was not considered so cool.

There were many genres of the ’80s teen movie – the Romantic Comedy (Say Anything), Teen Angst Comedy (Breakfast Club), Inspirational Sports Movie (The Karate Kid) and the Band-of-Fiesty-Kids-Saves-the-Freeworld-From-Attacking-Communists Movie (Red Dawn).

But my favorite genre is the Wacky Teenage Sex Comedy. Criteria for this genre includes the portrayal of casual sex without consequences, gratuitous flashing of bewbs for no real plot purpose, and a lot of alcohol and/or drug use. It’s the kind of movie where you go to a party at someone’s house and everyone is dancing in the living room, because that’s just what people did in the ’80s.

In honor of this genre, I’m proud to present: My Top 5 Wacky Teenage Sex Comedies.

1- The Porky’s Trilogy (Includes Porky’s, Porky’s 2 and Porky’s Revenge .) Sometimes when people hear me say “the Trilogy” they think I’m referring to Star Wars. I’m not. I’m talkin’ bout Porkys.

These three ’80s Teen Sex Comedies are the standard to which all other ’80s Teen Sex Comedies should be compared to. What’s not to like about these movies? There’s a Southern gangster named “Porky,” a gym teacher named Mrs. Balbricker and a guy named “Pee Wee” (exactly why you think). Porky’s also features a young Kim Catrall’s bewbs. These bewbs would later go on to appear regularly on Sex and the City. Catrall’s character’s nickname is “Lassie” because … well, you’re just going to have to watch. By the way, this movie is in no way demeaning to women, just so you know.

Reason to watch: Shower scene.

Trivia:
-The movie is actually set in the ’50s but the attitudes and haircuts are definitely 80s.
- The dude who plays “Porky,” Chuck Mitchell, would later play John Cusack’s boss in Better off Dead. That guy had a great career.
- Catrall and her bewbs also all appeared in another awesome ’80s movie, the original Police Academy, and a lotta other sh*tty ’80s movies that weren’t the caliber of Police Academy, like Mannequin (ugh).

2. Revenge of the Nerds (Only the original Nerds, don’t bother with the sequels) This movie almost didn’t qualify because it had a moral – something about accepting people who are different or some crap. The other message: If you’re a nerdy guy who has problems with the ladies, just steal a guy’s mask at the Halloween carnival, follow that guy’s girlfriend to the Moon Bounce and she’ll mistakenly have sex with you. In the real world this could get you put in jail. In an ’80s movie, it’s a sure fire way to get the girl.

Reasons to watch: A character whose name is Booger.
- As if you need another reason, there’s also a sweet ’80s montage while they’re fixing up the house. “You’ve got to put one foot, in front of the other foot …”

3. Up the Creek (Why there aren’t more comedies based on river rafting?) Four slackers are about to get kicked out of the worst college in the country unless they win a river raft race against other colleges. That’s a believable concept, right? Oh yeah, the preppy kids cheat – bet you didn’t see that one coming. Features some of the guys from Animal House, some of the guys from Porky’s, pretty much playing the same characters they did in those movies.

Reason to watch: Every ’80s movie cliché you’ve ever seen in one movie.

Trivia:
• Features Otter (Tim Matheson) and Flounder (Stephen Furst) from Animal House, and Pee Wee (Dan Monahan) from Porky’s.
• The college dean who blackmails the boys into participating in the race is John Hillerman, who you might recognize as “Higgins” from Magnum P.I.
• A theme song with a chorus that repeats the title of the movie is a sure indicator of a great ’80s movie, Cheap Trick did this one.

4. Weird Science (John Hughes films) You may think that two geeks using their computer to create a sexy-hot girl with an English accent is a premise so ridiculous that you wouldn’t be able to watch it. Well, you would not be a male who went through puberty in the ’80s. Stars Anthony Michael Hall as a geek (big surprise) and some other actual geek, and Kelly LeBrock as Lisa (a sexy-hot chick with an English accent).

Features the quote of the decade: “What do you two little maniacs want to do first?”

Trivia:
• Danny Elfman’s band Oingo Boingo does the catchy theme song, appropriately titled Weird Science
• Features a young, and probably coked out Robert Downey, Jr.

5. Hardbodies (No sequel as of this writing) This movie has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Except for the fact that it rules!! Here’s the “plot”: Two beach bums teach three old geezers how to get laid, hilarity ensues and girls show their bewbs. Warning! Watching this movie may ruin all other movies. Because all movies are lame compared to Hardbodies.

Reasons to watch: Other than bewbs? The character “Rag” can flip you off in 40 different languages.

Trivia:

• Rag (Courtney Gains) was also one of the creepy kids from Children of the Corn, and Kenneth in Can’t Buy Me Love, with the famous line “You s**t on my house, man! You s**t on my house!”
• Cameo appearance by female ’80s rockers, Vixen.

Honorable Mentions
Mischief
Back to School
Risky Business
My Tudor
Last American Virgin

Disqualifications

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (shows serious consequences of teenage sex)
Real Genius (no bare bewbs)
Caddy Shack (great movie, more of a Sports Comedy, than Sex Comedy)
Animal House (actually came out in 1978, so does not qualify as ’80s movie)

This list of course is just my opinion. If I’ve forgotten one of your favorite Wacky Teen Sex Comedies from the ’80s, or if there’s still one out there I haven’t seen, please let me know about it. Especially if it’s out on DVD, so I can hit pause on the bewb scenes without those pesky pause lines that pop up on VHS tapes.

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