-Dern Lanningham

My boyfriend and I just broke up a couple of days ago. Now we are trying to divide our belongings up between the two of us, and he claims that he has the right to keep the couch even though we both paid for it. He says that since he makes less money than I do that he should be able to keep the couch because I will be able to forward one more easily. This doesn’t seem fair considering the fact that I paid more for the couch than he did. What do you think, Dern? -Couchless Carrie, Brunswick, ME-

Blah Blah Blah. If all you have to worry about in your life is a couch then you are a jerk. Some people out there have real problems, like those who have to once again face rejection because some no-talent hack of a newspaper editor can’t recognize true artistic genious. Anyway, back to your PRECIOUS couch, hit your ex-boyfriend with a brick in his face/neck, then move the couch while he bleeds.

Dern, I just got dumped by my fiance who I found out has been cheating on me for the past six months. Since getting dumped, I haven’t been able to concentrate at work and have been asked to take a week off to get my head together. In additon, my ex-fiance and his new lover have become regulars at all of our old hangouts, which makes me very uncomfortable and has kept me from going out. I am just at a loss. I don’t even know where to begin. Help. - Lost Leslie, Chicago IL-

Start drinking, and don’t stop. Works everytime.

Disclaimer: Dern Lanningham is an out of work comic strip drawer. He is in no way an expert on relationships, but does believe that dogs go to heaven, and if they don’t, then they fucking should.

-Dern Lanningham

I’m a recently divorced 36 year old stud, Dern. No joking here bud. Dark hair, dark eyes, 6′2”, 235, and I’m benching about 600lb on a bad day. You must be thinking “What problem could this guy possibly have?”, right? Well, I am having some dating troubles. I’ve had a couple dates recently that I felt went real well. I pick them up, I’m looking good in my tank top, I sneak in a flex here and there, we go to dinner, we talk about my tank tops, then I take them home. Funny thing is no one wants to go on a second date with me. What’s the deal? -The Stewmister, Baltimore MD-

Hey Stewmister. Don’t sweat it, and I’m talking about the dates here, not the 600lbs!!!!! This is a textbook case of bad luck. Sounds like you’ve just run across a couple of duds. Don’t let them bring you down, they probably have some baggage like depression or AIDS. And Stew, when you see baggage you gotta pick up stakes and jetski out of there.

Dern, I drink about a half case of Mountain Dew a day, and my new boyfriend knows this. Yesterday I asked him if he would bring me back some Dew when he went to the store. Get this, he gets back form the store, and to my horror, I notice he bought Mountain Thunder. I almost gave him a kidney punch right there. Now I am struggling with whether or not to break it off. It’s early in the relationship, but this seems like such a blatent disregard for my feelings. What should I do? -Thirsty Dewde, Kansas City, KS

Dewde, if it’s early in the relationship this is actually really easy. Break it off. Like the Highlander, there can be only one Dew, and everybody who is anybody knows this. I know for a fact that the company that makes Mountain Thunder did so as a joke, not as a beverage to drink and appreciate.

Disclaimer: Dern Lanningham is an out of work comic strip drawer. He is in no way an expert on relationships, but he is an excellent spades partner.

-Dern Lanningham-

Hey Dern, I have been racking my skull for weeks now on how to spice up this V-Day, but keep coming up blank. I guess we could go hang-gliding again, but she would see that coming from a mile away. Help teach this old dog some new tricks.
-Boring Mike-

Hey Mike, don’t worry. You’re not the only one without an imagination out there. There are plenty of regular nobodies who are having the same problem. Lucky for you, you got Dern in your corner. Try a couple of these hott ideas out this Valentine’s Day…

Ham ‘n’ Cheese eating contest at Arby’s- Like you need an excuse to go to Arby’s. This is kind of a no-brainer, but I am starting out easy here. Just make sure to let her win. You could put a sexy twist on this one if you get a baker’s dozen of sandwiches to-go and eat them at home topless.

Imagination Orgy- This is for the open-minded couple that is in need of some real spice. Get with your partner, dim the lights, close your eyes, and imagine a wild orgy with you guys in the middle. Imagination orgies are great because there’s no fear of the herps, and you can invite anyone you like. Even weirdos.

Paint some frisbees- You know those old frisbees you got laying around? That’s right. Get some paint and paint those things. This one is great because the possibilities are endless. You can get super silly and paint some dancing robot, or you can get super serious and sexy and paint your deepest and darkest super-fantasy-sexy scenes and then show your partner. It’s up to you and what you feel. Either way, you’re talking, you’re laughing, you’re having a great time!!

What’s new Dern? Big problem here. I recently cheated on my boyfriend and contracted a STD. I have been able to hold off “in the bedroom” in fear of him finding out, but he is getting restless and with Valentine’s Day coming up, my time is running out. Help!! -Silly Sally-

Looks like you got a not-so-silly situation on your hands Sally. Short term, to get out of V-Day you are going to have to lie. Call him on your way to his place and tell him that your car broke down, then it fell into a river. Long term, consider getting a life-size doll bottom-half to wear when he wants to get intimate. You’ll have to be sneaky, but I think you could pull it off. The last thing you want to do is divulge your dirty secret, to anyone, ever.

Disclaimer- Dern Lanningham is an out of work comic strip drawer. He is in no way an expert on relationships, although one time he watched a marathon of The Newlywed Game when he was sick.