Fayetteville Flyer » Quit Being a Freak

Quit Being a Freak: Toilet Talkers

the Steve — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 06:38:26 +0000

We shouldn’t have to say this.

We shouldn’t, but our recent experience tells us that some of you somehow didn’t get the memo, or the proper upbringing, or, Jesus Christ, don’t have any common sense whatsoever. So, we have to say it. So, I’m gonna say it.

Just because you can carry your cell phone into the bathroom and talk on it while you’re doing your err…while you’re umm…OK…TAKING A SHIT doesn’t mean you should.

In fact, it’s the grossest thing ever. It’s awkward not only for you, the dumbass, who is talking on the phone while he is taking a shit, but also for the person that is on the other end of the line with you.

That’s because they can hear you. Grunting. Farting. Splashing. Flushing. It’s disgusting.

It’s equally awkward for the other guy in the bathroom with you who just needs to blow his nose, or take a leak, or whatever. He doesn’t want to hear you doing business deals or talking to your mom, or your wife or your kids or whatever while your farting your ass off. Plus now, he has to feel sorry for you for being such a loser.

And seriously, there is no reason for it. Sure, you are a busy person. You have a lot to do, multi-tasking is important, blah blah blah. But ask yourself this; Can this phone call really not wait 5 (ok 10 for some, maybe a half hour for “long dumpers”) minutes? You know, so your business associates / loved ones don’t have to hear you blasting ass?

Some people do everything in their power possible to avoid public bathrooms just so they don’t have to hear people shitting, and now you are going to go and bring it to them, via your shit-talking (shitting-phoning?) ways.

So please, don’t be a freak. Either that dump or that phone call can wait. Trust us.

Quit Being a Freak: Cow shocker?

Ted Dancin — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 15:52:22 +0000

OK, so there’s all kinds of fetishes, right? Some of ya’ll like feet. Some of ya’ll are into chains and whips. Hell, some of you weirdos even enjoy dressing up like gigantic squirrels and pretending to hump each other. Whatever floats your boat, I guess. That kind of crap is relatively harmless.

However, a recent local investigation is centered around a fetish that is definitely not harmless. Prompted by an animal cruelty complaint, Lt. David Mitchell of the Rogers Police Department is being accused of videotaping himself using a taser on a live cow.

Stephanie Bell, the senior cruelty caseworker for PETA is quoted as saying, “It is our understanding that the alleged incident occurred while Lt. Mitchell was off duty, that the Taser’s darts were not removed from the cow’s flesh afterward, and that Lt. Mitchell apparently found the incident so amusing that it was recently set to music and distributed as a joke among his friends and colleagues.”

Maybe we should change the name of this column to “Quit Being a Gigantic Douchebag.”

[Via The Iconoclast]

Quit Being a Freak: Petite what?

Ted Dancin — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:26:00 +0000

Here at the Flyer we make a habit out of checking our stats page. It’s exciting to see how many of ya’ll are visiting each day and what posts are more popular than others.

One of the more interesting and sometimes disturbing features is called “Last Search Terms” which tells us exactly what you guys Googled to arrive here. Isn’t the internet a magical place?

The most popular search term is, of course, “fayetteville flyer.” However, since we posted a few weeks ago about a certain petite sophisticate, the search term “dorothy hanby” has taken a very healthy second-place.

This morning we noticed something that reminds us of how freaky some of ya’ll really are. Have a look at that photo up there and marvel at just one of the many amazing search terms that pops up on our radar from time to time. Hopefully this will be the start of a new column here at the Flyer. Who am I kidding? Of course it will. There’s way too many of you freaks out there.