Taurus: April 20-May 20 - I had a great time last night. I’ll call you. I promise.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - If you aren’t eating, or talking, keep your mouth closed. Sitting there with your mouth open makes you look real dumb.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - The stars can’t do anything to help you with those pants.

Leo: July 23-August 22 - Fill up the gas tank on your car. You might need to take out a loan. Crap. You can’t do that either.

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Remember that song “the Thong Song?” There’s a lot of truth in that song.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - This month, take advantage of your own psychic powers, which will last for 9 minutes on the 28th. Just not sure which 9 minutes, and neither will you. Sorry.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - There really is no excuse for bongo drums. Seriously.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Summer is a time for romance. Especially if you are a Sagittarius. Get laid.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - Uh oh. I think your sex tape is gonna leak this month. That sucks.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Bad day? Dance it off, man. Dance it off.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Congrats on winning $1000. Don’t spend it on drugs.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Bet on the Celtics. How much money do you have? Bet all of it on the Celtics.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - What is the point of ice skating, really?

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - This month, a stranger will ask you for money. Don’t give it to them. You don’t even know them.

Leo: July 23-August 22 Sometimes, dolphins get horny too. It’s no big deal. Who cares?

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - If you like that show the Bachelor, there is no amount of advice that can help you.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - Sorry you got that pimple on your butt. Doesn’t it hurt? Ouch.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - That blue shirt makes you look like a lard ass.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - DO NOT, for any reason, no matter what happens, no matter how much you’ve had to drink, under any circumstances, sing karaoke, ever.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - You know what?

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Not everything is worth the asking price. Yet there are certain things in life one would prefer not to live without. You’ll find such items at a fair cost. Psyche. Boners.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - I’ve got three words for you; don’t eat that!

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - Happy Birthday! Sorry, sorry. Just kidding. But seriously.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - Chances are, if you’ve never been to Hawaii, you’re never gonna go. Let it go, man.

Leo: July 23-August 22 If you’ve never tried cross dressing, then, how do you know you won’t like it? How do you know it won’t look really good?

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, Space Balls is a goddamn good movie.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - Cool it.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - If you want a goddamn pizza, eat a goddamn pizza. Just stop talking about it, and eat the goddamn thing.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Put on some pants!

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - It’s like I always say, beards are weird.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Give me an S! Give me a T! Give me a P! It’s your favorite band!

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Dude - the economy sucks. You’re not getting a raise, so stop working so hard and kissing so much ass.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Your boss wants to sex you. Gross.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - Check this out. Sorry, sorry. Just kidding. Try this.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You want to sex your boss. Gross.

Leo: July 23-August 22 -STFU!

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Try working out more. Or, just, any kind of exercise in general. Cardio, maybe? Eating less couldn’t hurt, either. Sorry, dude.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - I know they’re your favorite band, but BDS sucks! Yeow!

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - Planets are orbiting the sun this month, and the earth is no exception, because it is also a planet.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - You know what? This is your month. Seriously. This month is gonna rule for you. I mean, things are looking up! Finally. APRIL FOOLS! Life sucks!

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - I ate your sandwich. Fuck you, buddy.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - Congratulations on finally finding the person of your dreams. I know that you two are going to be great together. Oh- that’s not you? Sorry. Nevermind.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Take a long bubble bath. Or a shower. Or, try wearing some deodorant.

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - Stop drinking so much. Your friends / family are worried about you. If you don’t have family or friends, disregard this message.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You have an erection!

Leo: July 23-August 22 -Can I borrow your sweater?

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - Your money problems are over, thanks to the Bush economic stimulus plan! Psyche, you’re fucked.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - You’ve been waiting for something exciting to come into your life, but it just isn’t happening. Try shoplifting, just don’t get caught! LOL!

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - You’ve been working on your confidence, and this month you’ll finally have the breakthrough you’ve been waiting for. Nice work! (Loser)

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - Sorry to hear about your cat. And sorry you got that STD.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Sex really isn’t your thing. Sorry to be the one to tell you. You suck, dude/chick. Sorry.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - This is your month! Do whatever you want this month. It’s gonna rule.

Taurus: April 20-May 20 - Your money problems are over, thanks to the generosity of a stranger. This stranger may ask for a favor in return, but it’s not that bad. Imagine you are eating a banana, or a popsicle. Just don’t bite down! LOL!

Gemini: May 21-June 21 - You’ve felt pretty hopeless for a while, but drinking makes you feel better. Continue to drink until your life improves.

Cancer: June 22-July 22 - You’ve been a virgin for your whole life, but that is finally about to change. Make sure you shave what needs shaving, trim what needs trimmed, and wash what needs to be washed. Make sure that you enjoy it, also. It’s the last sex you’ll ever have!

Leo: July 23-August 22 - Life sucks. Give up.

Virgo: August 23-September 22 - You’ve been trying to connect with someone for a long time. This is the month it finally happens. Only it won’t be the way you want it. A surprise encounter with an animal will leave you feeling strangely aroused. Don’t act on your urges.

Libra: September 23-October 22 - Your significant other is cheating. Sorry, dude/dudette.

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21 - You might fall in love with an inanimate object this month. It will feel strange, but somehow familiar. Several of your closest friends are assholes, but you still don’t realize it.

Sagittarius: November 22-December 21 - Take off your pants.

Capricorn: December 22-January 19 - An opportunity will present itself at work. Unfortunately, you’ll have to screw over a close friend to take advantage of it. Make sure you do everything you can to make it seem like it isn’t your fault. It is, though. You’re a dick.

Aquarius: January 20-February 18 - Mercury and Venus are two planets that are always closer to the sun than Earth is. Try not to forget that.

Pisces: February 19-March 20 - This is the month you finally get those breast implants. Congrats on those. They look great.